


"later."

by eithne (campingzone)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: A lot of hugs, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Insomniac Bang Chan, M/M, based after woojin left skz, but they love each other whether they know it or not, chan blames himself, chan hasn't slept in like 5 days, felix is a little more than concerned, unestablished relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 19:20:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21258326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/campingzone/pseuds/eithne
Summary: he was significantly further away from everyone elses dorms, being the 'leader' and the 'most important.'he tched under his breath. 'most important' his ass.he hadn't even managed to keep them all together. he'd made a sworn promise to keep nine or none, and had failed that less than three years in.some leader he was. he was surprised the boys even still respected him. he hadn't done anything to stop it; hadn't /argued/ with their hyung. maybe if he had, woojin would still be here, and no one would be in fucking shambles.but no. chan had decided to be a coward - let him go. an idiot choice of many.





	"later."

the ceiling must've been incredibly interesting.

or, at least, that's what chan told himself, when he glanced over to the window for the first time in hours. sunlight was just beginning to peek out over the horizon, and he could just about see it beginning to glimmer against the windows on the building across the road, not quite bright enough yet to be painful. it was still in the orangey-red phase, like during the very end of a sunset, and for a moment he was hoping that it /was/ sunset.  
god, he wished it was sunset. then he could... 'sleep' for a few more hours.

sleep, in chan's language, meant lie down and stare into the abyss. it had been this way for a week or so, now.

still, he got to appreciate things a lot better like this.  
he could sit and watch the sun rise, on clear mornings like this. his windowsill was just wide enough for him to be able to comfortably sit on it, and considering the radiator was connected just underneath, it was plenty warm enough. this windowsill was where he spent his sleepless hours; counting the stars, thinking, debating with himself. he was significantly further away from everyone elses dorms, being the 'leader' and the 'most important.'

he tched under his breath. 'most important' his ass.  
he hadn't even managed to keep them all together. he'd made a sworn promise to keep nine or none, and had failed that less than three years in.  
some leader he was. he was surprised the boys even still respected him. he hadn't done anything to stop it; hadn't /argued/ with their hyung. maybe if he had, woojin would still be here, and no one would be in fucking shambles.

but no. chan had decided to be a coward - let him go. he knew it was his fault. of course it was his fault- who elses fault was it? he could've stopped it; could've stopped woojin from leaving them. now the whole community was ruined, and everyone was upset, and god he hadn't seen hyunjin cry like this in a long time.  
much aless felix. that was arguably the most painful bit. he'd let /felix/ down. why the fuck couldn't he keep his promise? why hadn't he managed to do it? he'd tried so hard, and yet, the world still shoved a middle finger up his ass and called it a day.

he didn't even realise the sun had risen. he'd been sat with his face in his hands for about half an hour now, gripping his hair with such strength it brought tears to his eyes. nothing came out, though. he'd cried all the tears he had left in his body; he hadn't eaten in days, not wanting to leave his room. not wanting anyone to see how ruined he was by this.  
realistically, he knew everyone else looked the exact same. but he couldn't deal with the judgement, and the knowing eyes - the /blame/. he already knew he looked a mess, having not slept more than two hours in the past 5 days. he'd been sick multiple times, though he'd confined it to his connected bathroom, not...

well.

he /did/ want visitors. but he didn't want to be an attention whore, so he was just waiting until he felt stable enough to see everyone again. he'd had plenty of missed calls, but no one had come to check on him when he'd left it ringing in the silence.  
this wasn't the end of them, right?

.... right?

he shook like a leaf, clinging onto his legs as he stared out the window with blurred vision. everything was blurry, and he'd never felt so dizzy in his life; from the lack of food, and sleep, and everything, really.  
chan considered himself to be a peopley person. when he was deprived of people, he didn't really function right. and it had occured to him more than once that everyone had each other for comfort. realistically, chan knew, he could just go and join them.   
but what if they didn't want him? there was always the looming fear that they wouldn't think he was good enough anymore.

in his moment of cowardice, he'd almost completely missed the sound of a knock on the door.

but, with everything being silent day in and day out, noise was foreign. the only sound he'd heard for over 72 hours was the sound of his own breathing, and himself moving around. he'd scared himself more than once, and he had to admit, the knocking nearly punched him out of his skin.  
he hadn't spoken in a long time. he was almost convinced he'd forgotten how to, for a moment, a strangled noise the only thing he could create. he cleared his throat, wincing at how loud it sounded.

"who is it?" he managed to croak out, quiet and kept close to himself. the person on the other side of the door remained silent.  
he blinked, but slowly [very, very slowly] crawled down from the windowsill, trying to keep it as soundless as he could. he didn't bother wiping the tears from his cheeks, nor the bleariness from his eyes. it was no different, and it would be the same in a few minutes anyway, knowing him.

nervously, he reached for the door, and very tentatively pried the lock open, once again wincing at the noise. with a simple movement, he pulled it open, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the sudden difference.  
outside his room felt foreign. he had to take a step back, slowly allowing his eyes to adjust to the oddness.

and... well.

this was definitely odd.

already dressed [or, as dressed as one could be, in this distressing situation] was felix, stood in a beige shirt and black shorts, shirt tucked in at the front. in his hands was a tray, and on the tray was a small plate of jam on toast, and a glass of water with a banana just on the edge, a burningly light yellow. he had to squint, though it made no difference.  
in what was assumably shock, chan turned his head to look at the younger, and tried to blink back tears. felix chewed on his bottom lip, worry practically carved into his face.

'hey.' felix mumbled, scanning his eyes over chan's.... shaking or shivering form, he wasn't sure. he looked severely malnourished; not disgustingly skinny, but his skin was tight and pale, and his fingers looked swollen, even from here. 'how are you?'

he asked this whilst walking into the room, placing the tray down onto chan's desk. chan just looked at him emptily for a moment, but didn't stop the boy when he was handed the glass of water. he just held it, hands jittery as he tried to fiddle with his knuckles in his non-taken hand. felix payed attention to this, but said nothing, waiting for an answer.  
he didn't get one.

'how long has it been since you slept?' he prompted, moving slowly over toward the blonde. chan had to pause and think about it, staring off into the distance.

"tuesday."

'it's sunday, now, you know.'

felix didn't miss his sigh of relief. he'd probably assumed they were locked onto schedule today, so the younger just pity smiled at him, taking the water back. chan didn't argue.

'do you want a hug, bro?' felix offered, and chan just nervously looked away, biting at the skin on the inside of his mouth.  
the younger didn't wait for an answer, then. chan hardly processed what was happening, at first. he just knew that, for a moment, everything was cold, and then it wasn't, a warm body wrapping itself around his own. his jittery hands immediately latched onto felix's shirt, and then slowly wound themselves around his middle, whole body shaking at the approach.

he wasn't expecting this. he wasn't expecting love, or care. he was expecting blame. why wasn't he being blamed? he deserved blame, why wasn't felix blaming him? he had every right to, it was his fault-

he didn't even know he was crying until he felt a familiar hand in his hair, and a soft flutter of lips against his temple. 

he shouldn't be crying. now he looked weaker. he couldn't look weaker, he was felix's leader. best friend, but, still, he- he had a job, he had to do his job.  
but that was pretty much impossible, wasn't it? he was ugly sobbing into felix's neck, soaking his skin and his shirt. it seemed the younger wasn't affected by it, and instead was slowly guiding them toward chan's bed. chan didn't have it in him to argue, so when they both collapsed onto the mattress, he just tangled their legs together, trying to get as close as he could despite the shame crawling up his body.

felix's hand through his hair was the only comforting thing about this situation. he could hear himself babbling, but he was completely out of it at this point, no comprehension of what was coming out of his mouth. it seemed the younger couldn't make it out, either, since he wasn't responding to any of it.  
till there was a pause, and chan must've said something. god knows what.

oh.

'why would i not help you?' felix almost laughed, his hand moving through his hair again. chan sniffled into his neck, trying to drown himself in the younger's scent. 'why would i /not/ choose you, aussie, dude?'  
'you're my best friend. i love you. i'm sorry that WE'VE been neglecting YOU. none of this was your fault, and we never thought it was. we just wasn't sure how to approach you.'

lix cupped the older's face in his palms, and chan was forced to tilt his head up as the younger wiped his stray tears away. he didn't bother trying to pull away, and instead just leaned into the touch, shame burning at his skin. he didn't miss the way felix flinched a little as his face went pale.

'the fact you took the blame for it threw us out the water, chris. we thought you knew it wasn't your fault, so we've spent ages trying to think of how to approach you. hyunjin only told me when we'd woken up...'

"....?"

'i.... well- he, he woke up. and i woke up, because i heard him crying- and-'  
felix was going to cry. chan's hands shot up, and he quickly tried to wipe the tears from felix's eyes, not knowing how he'd handle if both of them broke. he was doing well enough keeping his own breathing going, still shaky and his hands twitchy. the younger's fingers curled around his wrist, but it wasn't to stop him; almost urging him on.  
'he s-said to me... he couldn't- he hadn't seen you since tuesday. hadn't heard you come out to eat, or drink, or anything. i had to come check, chris- are you ok? when did you last eat?'

chan did nothing but shake his head. felix flicked chan's hands from his face, and placed his own on the older's cheeks, forcing him to look at him.

'was it tuesday?'

the silence gave him his answer, and felix immediately tackled the elder in a massive hug, not knowing what to do with his conflicted emotions. chan just did the same, squeezing each other's legs tightly.  
he understood. he'd react the same if felix had tortured himself this way.

"i- i'm sorry, felix." he croaked, again, and again, till he was sobbing again. "i couldn't- i couldn't, i couldn't b-bare that i couldn't keep u-us together, i'm sorry-"

felix pinched him, and he squeaked in both laughter and apology, considering he'd nipped him right in the side by his ribs. not hard enough to actually hurt, hence the laughter from the tickling, but it was definitely a warning, arms getting tighter around his middle. it was a surprise he could breathe at all, but he wasn't about to fight it; he'd never fight it.  
'shut up.' felix grumbled, and chan went silent, trying to wipe his tears despite the limited tears. he grimaced at the large wet patch spanning across the younger's shoulder, but felix ignored it, snuggling his face into chan's hair.

it was very conflicting, for both of them.

on one hand, felix was /hugging him/. like proper, full body, squeezing the life out of him hugging him, and fussing over him, trying to stop the tears. on the other hand, felix was crying to himself, and clinging onto him for more than just the want to hug.

"i'm sorry."

'i know.' the younger muttered back, surprisingly fast. '/i'm/ sorry for not n-noticing. i should've come to you- like i know you would me. i'm so sorry, hyung.'

"you deserve so much better than me."

'stop lying, hyung.'

chan zipped his mouth, and felix shuffled so they were both actually lying against the cushions rather than just clinging to each other on the bed, both stubborn about being too far away from each other. not only was it cold, but it was something they both needed right now; the lack of proximity.  
'will you eat for me?'

"later."

later turned into hours, but that was ok. all they needed was each other right now, and each other they received, both stuck in their own heads.  
but they had each other. that's all they ever needed, isn't it?


End file.
